PARANOIA

Today at the gym I had nothing to read so I succumbed to a parenting magazine. Big mistake. It started out relatively harmless with tips on how to turn a kiwi into a caterpillar (even as a stay at home mom I don't have time for this), then there was advice on how to make your toddler into a band member by singing to them and moving their arms around in time to the music. I get booed by both my kids when I sing so there goes that music career. But it got even worse. Product recalls, stomach pains that could be Functional Abdominal Pain, tips on what to do if you run into a grizzly bear or if you're driving and see a tornado approaching??? Oh, and did you know sometimes waiters mess up and instead of serving your kid lemonade they serve them a margarita instead?

Enough. I'm going back to VOGUE. Cellulite and wrinkles aren't nearly as scary.